I left my son's religious education (formerly CCD) this afternoon more than a bit annoyed. My son is 7; he's preparing for his First Communion. As part of this preparation he must attend religious education for 2nd graders (which does not cover First Communion specifically, that's another class). So this is the 2nd grade class I'm picking him up from.
Inside I see kids lined up at a chart titled: Lenten Promise. They are coloring in a square by their name. I jumped to conclusions - angry, sensitive, defensive - and sadly I was right.
As I looked closer, next to each name was what the child had promised to "give up" for Lent: candy, TV, computer, Pokemon, etc. I asked my son if they colored in the square if they succeeded in "giving up" their item. He froze, "I want to go home." This has always been clear code from him that 1. yes, Mom your hunch is right and 2. no, I really, really will refuse to talk about it - don't push me. So, I verified with the teacher that they colored in the square only if they succeeded in "giving up" their item that week. If not, they left it blank.
She went onto explain that if more squares are colored IN than are NOT colored in at the end of Lent, they'll have a party. This is ridiculous on so many levels I don't know where to begin. But sufficient to say, there's no way on God's green Earth the children will be punished and withheld their Easter party because they didn't keep their promise AND they had the guts to be honest about it. A much more likely scenario is for either the children to lie and color in their squares regardless or the teachers' simply saying it was close enough and having the party.
But that's not what bothers me.
I had to reassure my son in the car that I wasn't trying to trick him or get him in trouble. I saw he had colored in the square and I knew for a fact he hadn't kept his promise that week, at least not the promise he wrote down the week before - he kept changing it in discussions with Daddy and nothing was really settled on. I DID clarify that I would rather his line be entirely blank or them not get a party than for him to LIE and color in the square - in fact - lying to himself about his promise. He started to give me the "get me out of here" signals again.
"I disagree with the chart," I reassured him. I think it's wrong.
He looked at me, curious but obviously relieved. They mean well, I explained, but it is wrong in several ways.
- You don't make a promise to God in the first place if its only because the teacher said you were required to.
- A Lenten promise or ANY promise regarding your faith is a promise between you and God ~ and no one else.
- Posting the accomplishment or failure of a promise to God on a chart for all to see is not only a sin of judgment but also negates the purpose of the promise. Your reward is no longer keeping your promise to God, accomplishing something difficult; now your reward is that you look good and faithful on paper and your class gets a party.
- The more notice and attention you draw to yourself for accomplishing your Lenten promise the less you understand the true purpose of it - to bring you closer to God, to enhance your relationship with God, to think of Jesus more often.
My son, again only 7 poor thing to have to deal with such a mother!, kept nodding and eventually said, "I don't have to make a promise?"
"No, no one can force you to make a promise to God. It is a wonderful and rewarding practice and tradition WHEN you're ready for it. Until then, it's better not to promise than to promise and then lie for the sake of a class chart.
"So, like, I can just do a good deed?" He asked, holding the paper Rice bowl from Catholic Relief Services in his hands (that he'd just gotten in class). He described his plan to collect money; he'd been plotting his strategy.
"Certainly."
I also told him that for the sake of the chart and the class, to just color it in each week. That it wasn't lying if he and I and Daddy knew about the situation and agreed that those were his instructions. I sure hope THAT doesn't come back 16 years from now as a mistake; I didn't know what else to do without causing more harm than good yet still upholding what I want to teach my children. Making a fuss with his teacher, having his name removed or leaving his line blank all seems to punish my son rather than drive home the nuanced point I'm trying to make.
We drove home. I felt I'd dodged a bullet. I could make this post 3 times longer than it is and describe all the well-intended but poorly thought-out, guilt-inducing, mind-tripping religious "exercises" that have forever altered me and not in a good way. When I saw that chart, so many of them stopped by my memory-bank for a quick visit. My defensive-mother was fully activated but relatively calm, at least externally.
Did I overreact? I'm going to judge a "no" on this one. Over-reacting would have been to explain my objections to the teacher, ask that my son's name be removed from the chart immediately, and then called my husband on the phone (off busy with our daughter) to whine and complain.
Instead, I simply explained "this is not what our family believes". A conversation we've already had with both our kids on numerous other issues. At least he's looking forward to Lenten Fridays...or Cheese Pizza night...as he calls it. That's my boy - ending on a positive note.